Starting from week 1

The first week was tough. What with learning to breastfeed, being weepy, not being able to wash my hair, being in pain from the caesarean (thus not being able to breastfeed properly) and being bullied into letting Caitlin have formula milk. Even Kelvin felt like I should let Caitlin have formula so that I could recover from the operation. Everyone was telling me that I didn't have enough milk thus the baby may not be getting enough. I felt so frustrated because nobody would listen to me when I told them that all she needed was to suckle more often and that my milk would come in based on how much I was feeding her not how much or what I was eating. I kept sms-ing Marlina and it helped a lot. Just to calm me down basically.

When we got back from the hospital, Caitlin had mild jaundice so we had to rent a special UV bed for her to lay in. What a nightmare that was. I lost control of breastfeeding at that point because she had to be feed really well so that she's be able to sleep in the cot. Otherwise, she would just be fussy.Worse, we had to make her wear a special eye mask while in the UV bed which she absolutely refused to wear. She only let us put it on for a minute and this was while she was fast asleep.

In the end, we just piled up lots of pillows and blankets to block out any gaps the in the bedding that would let the UV light through and put her in for as long as she could stand it. Luckily, it worked and she didn't have to admitted to hospital.

Today she's exactly 2 weeks old. She can follow me with her eyes, she responds to the sound of my voice and she alternates between being all stretched out and curling up like she did in the womb. She's smiled a few times already. She does this in response to our voices (I think). Mostly, it's when she's asleep or when she's feeding and I hit a particular tone in my voice that she likes.

So remember what I said about looking into my own eyes when I first met her? Well this is Caitlin in the UV bed, week 1. This is my baby photo with the retro 70s bedsheet and PJs.

So, at the moment, I'm half asleep. Still struggling with breastfeeding but I'm sure it'll get better. I don't think I'm so depressed anymore. Been getting a daily massage and Jamu wrap. Can't stand being wrapped up because the herbs make me really hot and itchy but the massage makes a difference to my mental state. Plus, I had a revelation yesterday. What matters overall is that Caitlin's here, happy and healthy.