Sitting up for the first time

The maid called me in a really excited voice and I immediately went to get the camera. Most babies can sit up on their own by 5 or 6 months. That's why I was so excited when she finally could balance her upper body over her hips. Yeah!

7 and a half months

Caitlin's 7 1/2 months now. It's amazing how time has just flown by and now she's such a big baby. I'm amazed at how much she already knows. She's able to pick up small objects with her thumb and index finger. She can sit up by herself for a couple of minutes. She's able to pull herself up holding on to my hands and push with her legs to a standing position. When I clap my hands and tell her "up" she'll reach up with her arms and lean forward. 

She's still not keen on solids and we have to coax her. Perhaps it's partly my fault. She's expecting me to feed her. Today however, I participated in getting her fed so she got the message that Mommy wants her to end solids rather than drink breastmilk. A friend of Kelvin gave her a sippy cup with a handle and we tried it out today. She was able to hold the handles with both hands and tilt the cup up and drink from it herself. Of course she only did it for a few seconds and there was water that dribbled out. I'm impressed because she's not supposed to be able to do that till she's a year old. 

I think she's said her first word too. It was "meow". There are lots of cats at the void deck of my block and every time we come home, I make it a point to show Catilin the cats and say the words "Cat" and "Meow". One night, she said "meow" twice after I said "meow". I was jumping up and down with excitement. Okay, technically "meow" isn't a word but at least she understood. Sometimes, Grandma Dolly will say "meow-meow" just to test her and Catilin will actually look down on the ground for a cat.

Today Caitlin is suddenly afraid of strangers. Usually she'll smile at everyone and she's okay with anybody carrying her. Today, she just started bawling when Grandma Dolly had visitors and she wouldn't calm down. It took her a good half hour to warm up to one of the strangers. At the same time, she's extremely curious about everything and everyone. If she feels safe because I'm carrying her, Caitlin will reach out and touch total strangers. Yesterday, she reached for a neighbour's cake in the lift. It was too late to stop her. The poor lady ended up with cream on her blouse.

Took these four pictures with my handphone. These two (on top and below) are recent. She's such a delightful child. Admittedly, I may be biased because she's my offspring but it's so great that she's happy and smiling most of the time.
Brings back such memories. This was when she was about 3 or 4 months old and she just refused to be put in the baby carrier. I think it was because she had to sit in a separate pouch thing that clips on to the harness. She didn't like it because by this time, she was used to being carried and liked the sensation of skin to skin contact. However, I've seen lot of babies being carried in these harnesses and even falling asleep in them. spent $120 on this thing too. In the end sold it off to a friend for half price. 

She was really upset with me for strapping her up in the baby carrier. This was only after 5 minutes.

Caitlin's first visit to the zoo

The zoo is an overwhelming place for a 7 month old baby. Caitlin found the animals interesting if they were big enough for her to see. Mostly, she just stared blankly at us when we pointed at stuff. It was too hot for her to enjoy herself very much and in the end, we left after about an hour because she fell asleep. Caitlin had fun with her Daddy who pretended to drop her into the stream at their feet.

The zoo looks totally different from what I remember as a kid. I wonder if the bird park has changed very much as well.

In the end, the best kind of animal is the "zebra" hugging Caitlin.

Aunty Mun Yee's booties

Caitlin's feet were finally big enough to fit into Aunty Mun Yee's booties. They're so sweet. They make her feet look like ballerina feet.

Sleep Training & Weaning

Caity's almost 7 months old now. How time flies. This is the second night that we're getting baby to stay asleep in her crib without the constant attachment to my breast. My hubby's a real trooper. Last night after Caity fell asleep (sigh...with help from me) we put her in her crib. Sure enough after about an hour, she realized that she was no longer comfortably by my side and let out what Vin described as a rusty old motorcycle growl-cry. "Waaa-wa-uhh-wauh"

Since Caity associates me with the breast, Vin had to keep picking her up, soothing her and putting her back down. It's supposed to be a tried and true method which doesn't traumatize the child by leaving him or her to cry it out all alone. It's a tedious method as some parents have been known to do this method up to 100 times in one night. However that's with older kids who are used to having their own way. Most babies develop a set sleep pattern by the time they're six months old and are pretty resistant to change. I was prepared to stay up the whole night picking up the baby, patting her and then putting her down again. Thank God, bless little Caity's soul, she only needed 5 rounds. In the 3rd round, she was really wailing and my heart was breaking. I was ready to give up. However, Vin stuck with it. As a result, last night Caity stayed in her own crib except for a 1am feed and 6am feed. Just now, Vin did about 3 rounds of cry-pick up-soothe-put down again. We'll see how it goes. 

 Perhaps she didn't inherit the stubborn gene from both sides of the family after all. I hope that she turns out to be the adaptable, happily-adjusted sort. It turns out that as afraid as I was about weaning her, Caity might not be as difficult as I had initially anticipated. This afternoon, we were in the mall and she got hungry. I refused to unbutton my blouse. In the end, she lapped up 4 ounces of formula. The catch was that she wanted me to hold her and do the feeding. With the maid, she kicked and fussed a lot. When I held her, she was much more relaxed. At night, to take some pressure off I started bottle feeding just before bedtime. Last night was the first time I did it. She was upset at first but then she managed to take in about 2 ounces. Tonight when I tried it, she happily finished all of 3 ounces in less than 5 minutes. It would have taken much longer to bfeed her the same amount. Also, less problems with dozing off in the middle of a feed. Maybe I'm the one who's hanging on to bfeeding. So ironic considering I struggled with it so much in the beginning. 

Well, at least we're getting somewhere. I mean, at least Caity now understands that it's okay to take milk from the bottle when I AM around. In the past she would have refused the bottle and cried for her "nan nan" instead. Maybe it's just that she wanted to be close to me. She's become a lot more "manja" towards me of late. It's not that she wants me to carry her all the time. In fact, I've begun leaving her to play on her own for 10 to 15 minute intervals. It's more like she just wants to be able to see me in the room or lay next to me and play. Of course she still wants me to hold her. I suppose it's a survival instinct thing. Nature's way of ensuring that babies always stick to the primary care-giver. Thankfully in my absence, she's good with the maid. Not totally happy though. She still prefers having me around but at least she doesn't melt down completely or becomes too moody. 

Lately,  Caity keeps smiling at me like she's in love with her Mommy. I just looked at her this morning and thought to myself that she's going to have a lot of suitors when she grows up. She just has this winning girly-flirty smile. It's not just me. I've seen how she wins over perfect strangers over and over again. 

Okay now, a side story. I left work today and was rushing to buy lunch back for Kelvin and the maid. On the way, a bus driver honked me. I looked over at the side mirror and didn't see anything wrong with the car. It wasn't until several hours later that I remembered I had some picture frames which I had painted while I was in school and had wanted to bring home. I was like, "where are the frames?" Then I remembered that I had placed them in a box on the top of the car and I must have just driven off with the frames still on top of the car. Later I drove by the exact spot that the bus driver had honked me and actually saw my picture frames smashed at the side of the road. Sigh. All that effort for nothing. Oh well, I'm meant to have better picture frames I suppose. Luckily, the frames were given to me FOC.  

1st fall

I knew it would happen sooner or later. The thing is I've been so careful that I was complacent. Last night Caitlin fell straight down off the edge of my bed. Luckily I put a pillow beside my bed as a manner of habit and it slowed down her fall. When she cried at about 2 in the morning, I lifted her to her spot on my bed and put her down. Then I laid down beside her and got ready. Before I could put my breast pad down on the pillow, I heard a "thud". My senses jolted awake and I broke out in a sweat. "Oh no! Oh no!" I kept saying which woke Vin up too. At first I couldn't find the baby since the pillow was still at the side of the bed and I didn't have my specs on. Then I caught sight of her legs and was so desperate to have her in my arms that it felt like I was taking too long having to "peel" her off the floor. By this time, she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

I must have been hilarious. I put her on the bed and proceeded to extend each limb like she was some kind of wooden puppet to make sure it nothing was dislocated. Then I flipped her over to examine the back of her head. Every time she squirmed or kicked, it made me feel a little bit better. 

Sigh. Even after feeding her, I couldn't sleep for a couple of hours after. Vin had no such problem. He said the next day that once he saw that I was satisfied that she was okay, he went back to sleep.

Mastitis

It all started with Caitlin being a little more rough than usual during her feeding. She was pulling off quite violently while still sucking hard on the nipple. There was some soreness of course but nothing worse than what would usually heal in one or two days. Unfortunately, 2 nights ago I had chills, my entire body ached and I had a fever. It was so bad that I decided to cancel whatever work engagements I'd made the next day. My entire breast was swollen and every time the baby nursed again the let-down sensation was almost unbearable. I'd read about this condition somewhere either in the baby books or on the web. In my feverish dreary state I recalled reading how one woman got a breast infection and developed an abscess. She had to undergo an operation to drain the puss out. When it returned a second time, she had to give up breastfeeding altogether.

I just curled up into a ball and prayed for God to heal my breast. Luckily I had read that the best way to go is to just continue nursing because the worse thing that could happen is that all your milk ducts are so swollen that your breast become engorged as well. I also vaguely remembered that the baby wouldn't be affected even if the milk came from my infected breast. 

By morning, the swelling had gone down just a little but I was still feverish. Also, somehow my armpit was a little sore. I saw the doctor in the morning who assured me that I didn't have an abscess and that the antibiotics he was about to give me would be safe for the baby. Later I read that less than 1% of women who have mastitis get abscesses. The only thing is to prevent it from happening again. I'm definitely going to rub some lanolin on my nipples the next time they feel sore.

At the moment, I feel much better and I'm going to work tomorrow but I still can't move my arm without winching. The medicine that I took did have any affect on the baby though. I noticed that she became more drowsy after I took the painkillers. I've since stopped the painkillers but since I have to continue with the course of antibiotics, I try to time it such that when Caitlin goes to my in-laws during the day, I pump out the milk before I take the meds and then at night, I feed her again before taking the meds. 

She's taking 2 meals of solids now. However, it's inconsistent. It takes a lot of coaxing from the maid and myself to get her to eat if I'm around. She still trying to wrap her head around the concept that it's okay to eat something else besides breastmilk even if I'm around and "available". Thank God her grandmother cooks a nutritious baby porridge. It's lovingly slow-cooked with a slice of pork to create a stock and later carrots or spinach is finely chopped and added to the soft porridge. It's way better than the commercial baby porridges that come in a tin. Unfortunately, she's still prefers the breast so I had to experiment with all sorts of different baby porridge options. 

On a more positive note, Caitlin's eczema has cleared up about 90%. I decided to just use my own Clarins (because all their ingredients are from natural sources) lip balm and cocoa butter moisturizer from Body Shop. It's been working like a charm with no side effects. 

Genetics

Isn't it amazing how much of ourselves is reflected in our children. For example, Caitlin looks so much like I looked when I was a baby that my uncles and aunts cannot stop talking about it. Of course they would know; they watched me grow up after all. All of them look a little alike each other anyway so they get a kick out of seeing their genetic material get passed down to another generation. I in turn, look a whole lot like my father. In fact my mother always says that I inherited everything from him: his brains, his looks, right down to his walk.

However, it's not fair to say that Caitlin only has MY genetic material. It seems that she's inherited her father's sense of humour. Two days ago I was feeding her and she bit down hard on my nipple. When I yelped in pain and surprise, she immediately followed with a giggle. Then, for the heck of it, she bit me a second time. This time, I forced myself not to giggle along with her. A combination of surpressed laughter and mock sterness resulted in a sort of constipated look on my face. Hopefully, she got that biting Mommy isn't a game. It seems she's also inherited her Daddy's sensative skin. Vin used to break out in rashes all the time. Sand used to make him break out in blisters. In the span of one week, I've seen my daughter go from small little heat induced bumps to eczema on her mouth to full blown hives. Vin says she'll outgrow it but I'm upset of course. I've already given up seafood. Could it be that I've cut down on the breastmilk and therefore she's MORE sensative?

Caitlin just loves her "Between the Lions" video. She can sort of sit up by herself if I jam her in between two pillows. However, after a while she just falls over sideways.

6 month mark

I'm glad to say that except of a bout of eczema we discovered the other day. Caitlin's happy, healthy and developing really well. Just brought her to the PD today. She's 6.83kg, 64cm tall and 41cm around the head. Hence, although she started out in the top of her age group for size and weight, she's not slowed a bit and is on the petite side. Not that I mind though. Kelvin's worried she'll be a shorty like me. However, I said it's too early to tell yet. 

Feeding

She's on breast milk about 50% of the time now. I feed her when I return home at 5pm, another time at 7 or eight and after her bath again at 9pm. She then sleeps till about 3am when she wakes for another feed. At about 5am or 6am, I'll feed her again before going to work. During the day, she's taking 14 to 16 ounces of formula, one serving of rice cereal and a baby cracker now and then. She really enjoys the cracker. She likes holding her herself and licking it; then the sensation of "chewing" the mushy stuff with her gums. She's learned to hold the bottle by herself. So when the maid feeds her formula, she'll hold the bottle with both hands while she's feeding. If she's had enough she'll pull the teat out of her mouth. Caitlin's also learned to drink from a cup. When she sees Daddy and Mummy drinking anything, she'll stretch out her hand. If I'm not sick I'll let her have a sip of water from my glass. We started training her to drink water from a large spoon and then from a cup that has a spout attached. Therefore, she knows that juice and water comes from a cup rather than a bottle. 

Physical Development

Caity can stand on our lap now. She even takes a few steps if we hold her upright. Recently I bought a toy that spins and travels round and round with music. She "walked" after it when it got stuck in a corner. She's gotten really good at rolling onto her stomach from her back. Recently, she's just learned to roll the other way. She's getting quite sophisticated with her hands too. She can pinch, reach, cup her hands, pick up toys from the floor and pass objects from one hand to the other. She enjoys peek-a-boo type games.

Social and Neurological Development

She is curious about everything and everyone. She'll laugh when strangers talk to her. Today when she was being examined by the PD, she smiled and coo-ed at the PD. We played with her during the jab and she didn't even feel it. She's become very confident and no longer becomes startled by loud noises. She's falling asleep at a regular time every night and can now sleep up to 6 hours at a stretch. She's starting to understand certain words (I think). She will look in the right direction when I ask her "where's daddy". She's observing every day objects that we use like the telephone and when she sees items that are familiar, she'll look at them like she knows what they're for.

cheap alternative to a playpen

Who needs an expensive playpen. We just lay a mattress on the floor and let Caitlin roll around. The round activity mat was given to us by Kelvin's colleagues. She just loves exploring all the different rattles, crinkly bits and mirror that comes with it.
Caitlin can identify Daddy's voice from far across the room now. Whenever she's feeding and she hears Kelvin's voice, she'll detach herself and look for him. What a daddy's girl.
I'm all dressed up for cousin Ivy's wedding tea ceremony. You can't see but Caitlin's wearing a cute little dress. She only owns 3 dresses at the moment.
3 generations. My mother, Caitlin and me. My mom is very proud to be a grandma; Po Po. She keeps saying over and over how my baby photos look exactly like Caitlin now. E Gu-joing (2nd Aunt's husband) says that Caitlin's my "photocopy". Except for a few grey hairs and a couple of age spots, can you tell that my mother is 58 years old? If she just paid a little more attention to her appearance, I think she'd look like her 40s again.
Cousin Ivy in the Kwa. Caitlin's being manja.

Falling asleep without Mommy: the impossible

Last night, another miracle--Caitlin fell asleep on her own. Kelvin put her in the cot and she fell asleep on her own after playing for a little while. On the one hand, I was elated. On the other hand, I felt a little sad that she didn't need to suckle and that our special time of closeness would come to an end eventually. She sleeps a lot better now. By 9.30pm she's out and she only wakes once or twice through the night. This gives me some time to myself in the evenings. She's also not as jumpy anymore. Every day I pray for her to sleep better. Part of it is also that she's more alert during the day and we can engage her more. This means that she getting into a pattern of regular nap time during the day so she sleeps better at night.

She's 5 and a half months old today. Recently, she's begun licking me deliberately. She does it occasionally with Grandma Dolly but it's mostly me that she licks. She'll latch on to my chin and start slobbering away. The maids think she's "kissing mommy". I do feel like she's doing it out of affection for me. Then again, who knows? Maybe she just wants "nan nan" (milk). Here she is Caitlin "kissing" Mommy.

Kelvin took this shot of Caitlin and the shot below. She can now lift her entire chest off the surface of the bed. Sometimes, she'll push up with her arms. She's also begun playing by herself. I'll place her on a thin mattress on the floor and she'll immediately flip over. Then she'll pull and chew on a colourful activity mat. She particularly likes licking her reflection in a little mirror that comes with the mat.
Still not a lot of hair on the top of her head. It is growing in but it's all very short fine hair at the moment.

Grandma Dolly brought the whole family out. Since we forgot the pram so we had to borrow cousin Ellie's push-chair. It was actually really windy so we had to cover Caitlin up.

Ellie Jie Jie Rocks

Some new photos

Caitlin just passed the 5 month mark. Just grown so much and it's been just pure joy watching her grow. Recently, she's taken to either licking any surface that she can get her mouth close to (including my face) or pulling things towards her face so she can put it in her mouth (that includes her feet). She's also begun sticking her tongue out at us. She enjoys it because she gets a squeal of delight from me. Last night, Kelvin was playing Rock Band and she was "singing" right along in a loud voice. Not in tune of course but there was a lot of sound in co-ordination with the music.

Below she's playing with her hanging mobile and some pictures of her being fed for the first time. Now she's such a pro at feeding. She'll open her mouth wide and chomp down, even biting the spoon.

Conquering baby outing sans maid

The maid went out with Kelvin's mother and the other maids tonight. They visited the Chinese gardens to look at the lantern festival. Hence, we were left to handle the baby ourselves.

Kelvin and decided to have a little outing of our own. Since, 1st September was Teacher's Day, the we get to ride the Singapore Flyer for free for the entire month. Kelvin and I went by ourselves yesterday to check it out. I asked and we get one free ride per day, even on weekends.

I feel so proud, our first outing with just Kelvin and I handling the baby alone. It wasn't too bad. She got a bit restless in the car so I breastfed her while waiting to get into the Singapore Flyer carpark. While we were 42 stories up in the air, she hungry again so I fed her while up there in the flyer pod. I must say, I felt so proud. It was a surreal experience--breastfeeding with a stunning view of the Singapore skyline at night. I think I deserve some kind of medal. Anyway, the point is that Kelvin and I worked as a team and we proved to ourselves that it IS possible to bring baby out and it's not too difficult.

The whole Flyer experience is definitely better at night. It felt really cosy in the pod. We pushed the pram into the pod as well so we had all our barang with us which was useful since Kelvin and I kept dropping baby's face towels. The skyline looked really spectacular because it was all lit up. The Flyer itself looked really cool; glowing in different colours.

On the way home, I fed Caitlin in the car until she nodded off to sleep. We got home past her night bath time but it was okay. I think we survived unscathed.

Above: I think these are the stands for the F1 race, the first ever F1 night race. The black building must be the pits where all the action is.

Above: Another view of the pits with the flyer in the foreground. It wasn't until we got off the flyer that we realized the wheel was constantly changing colours.

Above: A view of fullerton and the Esplanade. The "blazing white hot" areas around the Esplanade are the actual roads that are part of the race track. They were testing the lights for the F1 race.

Below: A view of Suntec city and more roads that form part of the F1 track.

Eating genes

A mother's intuition is always right. I thought that Caitlin wouldn't have too much problems with solids and that she's ready to try. Two days ago we mixed 1 teaspoon of plain rice cereal with formula milk. Caitlin was eager to try amd opened her mouth really wide. Needless to say she didn't finish all of it but for her virgin meal of liquid mush, she was really good at it. She's got the opening and chewing part down pat. Unfortunately, she wasn't quite sure what to do with the stuff once in was in her mouth.

The next day, the maid fed her another round while I wasn't there. I was told she finished the entire bowl. So, she'll eat depending on whether she's hungry.

However, I'll probably only really start her on solids next month. This month's just for her to get practice-play.

So I'm told that some babies don't take well to solids at all while some are natural at it. I would like to think Caitlin falls into the latter category. After all, she's got Kelvin's and my genes. Let's face it, we both like our food and Kelvin's mom is a very good cook. Hence, we both maintian a well-fed state of being.

Baby deposited

I've instructed Kelvin the deposit Caitlin at his mother's while I get some rest at home. Yesterday afternoon I had my wisdom tooth taken out because it was rotten. Luckily, it was only the enamel that was affected and not the deeper part of the tooth. Actually, I wanted to do it right after my maternity leave but decided that my students needed me more. Also, when the dentist told me he would give me 5 days of MC as it's a surgical procedure, I became really paranoid about the pain. Hence, the delay till now.

I'm happy to report that it all went really well. There was minimal bleeding and I held my mouth open with champion "ah-ness". The dentist was so pleased he said he would give me a discount. He injected the entire area with so much drugs that I really felt no pain at all. I was feeling all gung-ho and even contemplated going back to work the next day. That is, until the drugs wore off and the pain started setting in. I couldn't sleep the entire night because of the pain. Kelvin's snoring and Caitlin's restlessness didn't help. I maybe got snatches of half-hour slots 3 times last night. So to get some rest, I told Kelvin to send Caitlin over to Grandma's first and I'll make my way there later. What I won't do to continue breastfeeding. I think I'm going to be one of those mothers who feels sad when the time comes to stop.

Sigh. I have a hunch that she's going to ready for solids soon. Last night she started chewing on one of her toys with reckless abandonment. She even let out a whine when it was time for her bath and we had to take it away. She's also begun smacking her lips and sucking her fingers even after she's been breastfed.

On a more positive note, I continue to be amazed at how much attention she gets whenever we bring her out. Maybe it's just that she's at that age when babies are at their maximum cuteness. I don't know why total strangers are so attracted to her. I think it has to do with the fact that she stares at people and isn't afraid to meet their gaze. Then again, she just stares at everything when we bring her out. Sometimes, even when she's tired, she'd rather look at stuff around her than sleep. Is this normal? I remember being like that as a child as well. I'd look out the car window and continually ask "what's dat?" and "why like dat?".

Noisy baby

It must be that she's exercising her lungs. Caitlin's becoming a lot more vocal. She'll squeal with delight when she's playing with us or she'll go "woo-woo-wooo" when she's complaining about not getting her milk.

She just crossed the four month mark. While they say breastmilk is perfectly sufficient for her till she's six months, it's almost time to introduce solids and I went out today and got a special feeding set with a tiny little spoon. The books say to feed her a FULL quarter of a teaspoon the first time we introduce solids. "Wah! So much?! Are you sure she can finish?" says Kelvin. Well, we're supposed to feed it to her scrap by scrap. In fact, the very first time we let her try solids we're supposed to smear some on the table or her hand in hope that she'll lick it off. Then, it won't be as "foreign" when we put it on a spoon. The books also recommend letting her eat without a shirt on. Er, does that mean the baby or the parent feeding the baby?

Oh well, wish me luck people.

Caitlin's almost 4 months old

I can't believe I've been dutifully feeding Caitlin for almost 120 days. At between 6 to 10 times daily, it's been 720 to 1200 feeds. These past two weeks I've had to cycle back and forth in the afternoons twice a week. Although I enjoy the physical exercise, cycling at mid-day is not the best for my skin. As you can see, she no longer has the chicken legs. In fact, even her feet are starting to look puffy. I've already bought a new pack of socks that's supposed to fit babies up to 9 months. We tried them on already and they're only a little loose.

I added a mobile above our dining table where we bathe her and she just loves looking at the moving shapes. She'll kick really excitedly every time we put her here. It's her favourite toy since she's not yet able to co-ordinate her hands with her eyes.

Physically, she's a lot more sturdy now. We can prop her up on her elbows and she gets better at lifting her neck every day. Kelvin's new game is to bounce her from surface to surface as if she's king kong. I worry that he'll get too enthusiastic and crush her ribs. So far though, she doesn't complain.

Here she is, my "little chinese baby" I call her. So darling because she hasn't yet learned to turn over on her own. So she stays where we put her. Not that we haven't been trying to teach her.

She gets really chatty in the early morning and evenings. She's so loud that we can hear her even if we're in another room. I've tried several times to capture her babble on camera but every time and turn it on, she stares transfixed and doesn't make a sound.

The work-wife-mother equation

This is definitely a fallacy. You cannot have everything at once. At the moment, I've been back at work for a week already. However, I must say that it is not easy leaving Caitlin every morning and even though I rush home the very minute that I can, it's hard to see my little baby's discomfort at having to adapt to me not being around. She seems fine but I know that she misses me. So when I get back, I spend most of my time with her. Unless she's asleep, I have no time for sleep or work. I do, however, manage to squeeze in a nap here and there while breastfeeding. I've learned to fall asleep very easily.

The past week, her eyes light up when she sees me or hears my voice. I usually take a bath before I will take over from the maid so I have to sneak into the house if she's awake. At first I made the mistake of greeting her first. She couldn't wait for me take my bath and started wimpering then wailing. Part of the problem is that she only takes the minimum from the bottle in order to keep herself from being hungry but she won't really fill up. She actually waiting for me to get home. Then, when she does catch sight of me, she suddenly realises that she's very actually very hungry. In the end, I throw away about half of the milk that I pump out. I bought new teats with bigger holes mid-week and it helped a little but when she knows that I'm available she won't take to the bottle. Like her father, when it comes to food, she only wants the best.

On Saturday in the morning, Caitlin was so happy that I was home in the morning, she kept staring at me with big adoring eyes. It was as if she couldn't believe I was home. She kept pulling off my nipple just so she could look at me. Sigh...

I suddenly realised that Caitlin's bigger now. Her pajamas are getting fitted. She's able to prop herself up on her elbows and lift her head for more than 5 seconds now. Yesterday, at 3 1/2 months, she managed to grip her toy and hold on for over a minute. Then after she let go, she stared at her hand as if she'd discovered a new friend. She's very sociable now and likes to make conversation not only with me but with anyone with whom she has eye contact.

I've been reading this wonderful book that Juraimy gave me on the science of parenting. It's based on how the brain and hormones are affected by the way that we parent. For example, leaving a baby to cry alone to toughen up can actually cause certain areas in the brain to die due to overwhelming stress hormones. Cortisol, one of the stress hormones can stay in the brain for hours, even days and cause permanent damage. The kind that can result in a diminished ability to process and recover from stress therefore resulting in everything from aggression to poor digestion to depression and hyper-sensitivity. Thinking back to that horrible first month, now I realise why the confinement lady could calm the baby more easily than I could. I was upset, even a depressed and I must have transferred a lot of anxiety to Caitlin. That is why when I picked her up, she would cry instead of calm down.

Now everything's as it should be. Caitlin needs me to feel good like I need her to help me offload my milk. Actually, when my breast is empty, I feel this sense of satisfaction. I've noticed that when she's with me, she gets comfortable enough to open her eyes and seek out interesting things around her.

Looking Cool

So that's what I've been told recently. That I look cool as a new mother. Actually, it's not so difficult because I have a maid. I can't imagine doing all this parenting stuff without a domestic helper and my mother in law. Read an article last weekend that many Singaporean parents don't do the child-minding directly but instead delegate to their domestic helpers. Interesting. I will say that it's an easy and convenient solution if you what to 1) maintain your sanity and 2) retain some semblance of your old lifestyle pre-baby. I will admit that I do pass the baby off to the maid quite a bit. This week especially because I want to test whether Mary Jane can handle the baby without my constant supervision. Just as well, I'm going back to work next week. So far the hard part is actually letting go and learning to relax. I will miss all the hours I spend bathing and feeding her in the day time.

Mentally I am prepared to go back to work. Emotionally, my heart is still with the baby. I hope I don't become too guilty. Interestingly enough, Caitlin senses when I'm not around and actually drinks less milk during the day reserving her consumption for the night time feeding. She'd rather drink directly from the breast because it's the right temperature, it's fresh and not to mention, because it's comforting.

Breast-feeding is easier now that I've found a comfortable way to do it while lying down. Unfortunately, that means that I probably won't breastfeed when I'm out and about. I always feel as if the baby hasn't had enough then again, she's gaining weight. Her face looks a lot rounder now. Even the maid says that Caitlin seems heavier.

So I don't know about looking cool, although I'm sorta getting the hang of taking care of the baby. However, we'll see when I return to work.

A place of fullness

I learned on Oprah the other day that many women are digging an early grave for themselves simply by being a wife-mother-employee. They give to everyone and hardly leave any time for themselves to do the things that make themselves happy. The message was: take care of your own happiness first. It's like when you're on an airplane the the stewardess tells you that in case of an emergency, you're to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you tend to your child. Well, it makes sense. Who's going to look after the child if you don't survive. How will you be able to be calm and strong in an environment of chaos if you're not centered yourself?

So now that I'm a mother, I have a choice. Obviously, I can't be everything for everyone. So...I have to learn to let go and allow others to watch my child if I need some alone time.

I think this is also a good time to re-organize my life and take a good look at re-ordering priorities. Obviously for most women, it's the dilemma between work and family. I would like to be the best mother and wife that I know how to be; spending most of my time with Caitlin and Kelvin. Then again, I would also like to be fulfilled at work that I enjoy and still make a meaningful contribution to society. Not to mention the fact that working means being financially independent and still being able to afford a couple of luxuries here and there. Understandably, I've been doing a lot of thinking (and praying) about what I want for the next five years. 

Should I find another place to work in? A change of environment would be mentally stimulating. Something that will probably be lacking if I continue where I am now. However, a new place of work would be unpredictable in the sense that I might not be able to say no to a fuller teaching load. No, I think the priority should be opening up space and time for a more relaxed self so that I can spend time at home in a non-lethargic state. I could just hang in there until I get my connect plan in 2010 and then do a masters. Maybe do the masters online from home and cut back on work so that I don't tax myself too much. The old me would have just steam-rolled ahead and done several projects all at once. Last year I did a course at NAFA 3 twice a week and guess what? I almost died because it wasn't just the time spent driving to town and attending the classes. It was also the fact that I had to think, do assignments and generally lose a lot of sleep because my brain would still be active till 2am sometimes then I'd have to get up at 6am the next day for work. 

So...how do I find a happy balance. I don't think it will be easy. I'm a greedy person. I always tend to want to much and can never really focus 100% on the things that I have on my plate. It's a dynamic way of living but not a very internally harmonious one. As with everything else in life, we'll just have to see.

Body Issues

After going through pregnancy, labour and delivery of a baby, I have a new found respect for what my body can do. It's okay to have bumps, lumps and jiggly bits. What the heck, I've given birth! The doctor said it would take at least 3 to 6 months to the uterus to shrink back to it's original size. However, I don't think that's it. I think it was all the rich confinement food that I ate for a whole month. All that fatty fish, sugary longan tea and rich tonics were bound to catch up with me sooner or later. In fact, my face looks rounder than when I first delivered. At the moment, I'm back to the pre-pregnancy weight. The difference is that I've lost a lot of the muscle I once had and have a lot of extra padding instead. 

So, for all those people who out there who are going to get a confinement lady, better go easy on the sugary longan tea. No wonder my gums got inflamed and swollen

So cute at Thomson Plaza

So something major happened this week. I brought the baby out to a public place for the first time! I finally thought: okay how difficult could it be to bring a little baby out? Other people do it. I've seen little babies out and about. So I packed the diapers, a bottle of ready made formula and all 3 of us (incl. the maid) took a cab to Thomson Plaza. This was major because up till this week, we were dropping the baby and the maid off at Kelvin's mother's place if we needed to go out. While we were there, a bunch of aunties came up behind me and started cooing over Caitlin, "so cute!"

When I told Kelvin about my brave little trip, he raised an eyebrow. However, I think it gave him confidence as well. Today he suggested bringing the baby out shopping.

Actually, crowded spaces have a very calming effect on the baby. She seems to be lulled by the buzz of the outside world. Plus, she's comfortable in air-con spaces. All we have to do is make sure we bring her out right after one feed and bring her back before the next feed after her bottle. That gives us at least 4 hours.

The other major thing that happened was that I went to the dentist for the first time in almost a decade. I know, I know...how negligent of me. Seriously though, I've been using an electric toothbrush all this while and I THOUGHT my teeth were clean. It turns out that the teeth were clean but there are spaces that even an electric cannot reach and the gums are vunerable. I finally went to see the dentist because my gums were inflamed and the dentist told me that my gum had receded due the the build up of plaque pushing down between the gums and the teeth. Sigh. I also have to remove a wisdom tooth which is rotten. Honestly, this has taught me a lesson to take better care of my teeth. I told Kelvin that all this just makes me feel old like parts of me are breaking down due to wear and tear. Thankfully, I no longer have to nag Kelvin to go see a dentist. After what happened to me, he's realized that he'd better visit the dentist too.

Updates on Caitlin:
She's definitely communicating. Last night Kelvin and I left the baby at Mum's and we went on the first of our fortnightly date nights. Poor Caitlin, when we got back at around 10pm, she'd been fussing because she's not used to Grandma's house at night and she couldn't fall asleep. When I finally held her in my arms, she stopped fussing and looked at me. Then as I told her that she had to get used to Grandma's and that she shouldn't be so upset, she coo-ed back in answer after every sentence then she grinned. I think Mum was both concerned and amused at the same time. She immediately told Dad what had happened. When Kelvin held her as well, he held her really tightly as if he didn't want to let go. It's tough because Kelvin and I want to stay committed to building our relationship as a couple but at the same time, leaving the baby for more than a couple of hours makes me feel guilty.

I think I'm going to feel so guilty when I go back to work. The plan now is to spend more time at Mum's place so that Caitlin can ease into spending more time there. I think I have to learn to let go. Caitlin's not going to evaporate if I leave her alone for a couple of hours. Plus, thinking back on my own childhood, I became fiercely independent precisely because my parents left me alone for the most part. I spent the first 2 years of my life with my Po Po on weekdays and only spent the weekends at home. So as long as Catilin has loving adults around her (ie Kelvin's parents and the maids) she should be fine.

Okay, some new photos:

Caitlin's such a tiny thing. Here she is on our king size bed.

Up on Daddy's shoulder

Daddy's bright hairstyling idea.

Vocalizations at last

It's magic when your child looks at you and starts babbling like she's actually talking to you. Then you soon learn to babble right along with her. Finally! Something other than screaming, crying or staring blankly into space.

About sleep

There are 3 stages of falling asleep according to the baby books. Stage 1: yawning. Stage 2: staring blankly into space and Stage 3: the eyes roll to the back of the head. This also happens in reverse by the way. For example, Catilin will yawn when she's coming out of a nap.

She sort of has a fixed sleep pattern. On a good night she can sleep for 4 hour stretches starting from 10pm. However, I'm constantly thinking that she hasn't had enough milk to drink so if she goes for more than 4 hours without feeding, I'll try and wake her. It's funny that when you want your baby to sleep, she'll insist on staying awake and when you want her to wake up, she'll sleep like a log and nothing can wake her.

My breakdown over scrambled eggs and toast

I don't know how it happened but I became really miserable over my birthday. I was in a pathetic state. It had been a particularly difficult night with Caitlin being fussy and super hungry the entire night. Being a light sleeper compared to Kelvin, I'd been getting up most the night every night to feed her or comfort her whenever she woke up. Hence, I was sleep deprived. It didn't help that I was still getting frustrated with the maid as she kept doing things which I didn't ask or doing the opposite of what I asked.
I felt isloated, trapped and like I had nobody to help me. It felt like I would never get any rest and that every night would be the same upsetting baby crying with tension filled wakeful sleep.

In the morning, the maid conveniently forgot to fix my breakfast so Kelvin ended up making me scrambled eggs. When I saw the plate and took a bite of the toast, I burst into tears. After a month of horrible burnt garlicy eggs and soggy toast, it was SO good to have properly cooked toast. The birthday message was quite touching too.
That afternoon, we parked the baby with my mother-in-law and went out for high tea. Just the two of us on a date. It was a good time to bring up some issues about how we were going to raise Caitlin and what role the new maid needed to play so that I could have some balance. I'm happy to say that since my birthday, things have gotten better. After sharing my feelings, Kelvin found ways to play a more active role so that I could go out and have some time off to myself. In fact, he does quite a good job of caring for the baby and is beginning to enjoy it. All I really needed was someone to watch her a couple of hours during the day so that I can either go shop for groceries, do my hair or just zone out on my own.

Part of what was stressing me out was the fact that I still felt really clueless as to what I was doing. Reading all the baby books made me realize that there was a lot to think about when it comes to caring for an infant. There were a lot of decisions to be made with regards to just sleeping and eating alone. I lamented to my father over the phone and he suggested Dr. Spock. No, not the alien from Star Trek but an institution; no bible of baby care since the 1940s. My parents used it and I was so near hyper-ventilating when I found it at Times bookstore. When my mother came over, she told me that I had been raised on this book as well. It's not bad. Pretty comprehensive. Thanks, Pa.

6 weeks old settling in

We now change Caitlin on the dinning room table because the changing table that we got from Ikea is getting a bit too small. This morning, Kelvin gave her her bath so that I could pump milk and go out to buy lunch.

I propped Caitlin up so that she could have look at things sitting up. Kelvin's wearing a mask because he has a cold.

She's fascinated with the circle pattern and the light that comes through the curtains. Somehow circles make her excited.

Kelvin says these are the most hideous pajamas ever. I agree. Unfortunately, everyone over the age of 40 thinks they're really sweet looking.

The early hours of the morning are when she's in her deepest sleep. She sometimes sleeps for 3 or 4 hours. At the moment, she's still feeding every 2 to 3 hours. On average, every 2 1/2. Much better than hourly feeding. At least I can get some sleep in between.