The work-wife-mother equation

This is definitely a fallacy. You cannot have everything at once. At the moment, I've been back at work for a week already. However, I must say that it is not easy leaving Caitlin every morning and even though I rush home the very minute that I can, it's hard to see my little baby's discomfort at having to adapt to me not being around. She seems fine but I know that she misses me. So when I get back, I spend most of my time with her. Unless she's asleep, I have no time for sleep or work. I do, however, manage to squeeze in a nap here and there while breastfeeding. I've learned to fall asleep very easily.

The past week, her eyes light up when she sees me or hears my voice. I usually take a bath before I will take over from the maid so I have to sneak into the house if she's awake. At first I made the mistake of greeting her first. She couldn't wait for me take my bath and started wimpering then wailing. Part of the problem is that she only takes the minimum from the bottle in order to keep herself from being hungry but she won't really fill up. She actually waiting for me to get home. Then, when she does catch sight of me, she suddenly realises that she's very actually very hungry. In the end, I throw away about half of the milk that I pump out. I bought new teats with bigger holes mid-week and it helped a little but when she knows that I'm available she won't take to the bottle. Like her father, when it comes to food, she only wants the best.

On Saturday in the morning, Caitlin was so happy that I was home in the morning, she kept staring at me with big adoring eyes. It was as if she couldn't believe I was home. She kept pulling off my nipple just so she could look at me. Sigh...

I suddenly realised that Caitlin's bigger now. Her pajamas are getting fitted. She's able to prop herself up on her elbows and lift her head for more than 5 seconds now. Yesterday, at 3 1/2 months, she managed to grip her toy and hold on for over a minute. Then after she let go, she stared at her hand as if she'd discovered a new friend. She's very sociable now and likes to make conversation not only with me but with anyone with whom she has eye contact.

I've been reading this wonderful book that Juraimy gave me on the science of parenting. It's based on how the brain and hormones are affected by the way that we parent. For example, leaving a baby to cry alone to toughen up can actually cause certain areas in the brain to die due to overwhelming stress hormones. Cortisol, one of the stress hormones can stay in the brain for hours, even days and cause permanent damage. The kind that can result in a diminished ability to process and recover from stress therefore resulting in everything from aggression to poor digestion to depression and hyper-sensitivity. Thinking back to that horrible first month, now I realise why the confinement lady could calm the baby more easily than I could. I was upset, even a depressed and I must have transferred a lot of anxiety to Caitlin. That is why when I picked her up, she would cry instead of calm down.

Now everything's as it should be. Caitlin needs me to feel good like I need her to help me offload my milk. Actually, when my breast is empty, I feel this sense of satisfaction. I've noticed that when she's with me, she gets comfortable enough to open her eyes and seek out interesting things around her.