I learned on Oprah the other day that many women are digging an early grave for themselves simply by being a wife-mother-employee. They give to everyone and hardly leave any time for themselves to do the things that make themselves happy. The message was: take care of your own happiness first. It's like when you're on an airplane the the stewardess tells you that in case of an emergency, you're to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you tend to your child. Well, it makes sense. Who's going to look after the child if you don't survive. How will you be able to be calm and strong in an environment of chaos if you're not centered yourself?
So now that I'm a mother, I have a choice. Obviously, I can't be everything for everyone. So...I have to learn to let go and allow others to watch my child if I need some alone time.
I think this is also a good time to re-organize my life and take a good look at re-ordering priorities. Obviously for most women, it's the dilemma between work and family. I would like to be the best mother and wife that I know how to be; spending most of my time with Caitlin and Kelvin. Then again, I would also like to be fulfilled at work that I enjoy and still make a meaningful contribution to society. Not to mention the fact that working means being financially independent and still being able to afford a couple of luxuries here and there. Understandably, I've been doing a lot of thinking (and praying) about what I want for the next five years.
Should I find another place to work in? A change of environment would be mentally stimulating. Something that will probably be lacking if I continue where I am now. However, a new place of work would be unpredictable in the sense that I might not be able to say no to a fuller teaching load. No, I think the priority should be opening up space and time for a more relaxed self so that I can spend time at home in a non-lethargic state. I could just hang in there until I get my connect plan in 2010 and then do a masters. Maybe do the masters online from home and cut back on work so that I don't tax myself too much. The old me would have just steam-rolled ahead and done several projects all at once. Last year I did a course at NAFA 3 twice a week and guess what? I almost died because it wasn't just the time spent driving to town and attending the classes. It was also the fact that I had to think, do assignments and generally lose a lot of sleep because my brain would still be active till 2am sometimes then I'd have to get up at 6am the next day for work.
So...how do I find a happy balance. I don't think it will be easy. I'm a greedy person. I always tend to want to much and can never really focus 100% on the things that I have on my plate. It's a dynamic way of living but not a very internally harmonious one. As with everything else in life, we'll just have to see.
