1st week back at work

Some updates:

Caitlin's been rather busy lately. More teeth are coming out so she's trying to bite everything and drooling over everything else. Sleepwise, she's down to 1 night feeding half of the time. If her gums feel really painful she'll wake. If not, she can and has slept through an 8 hour stretch. This means she can put herself back to sleep.

Caitlin's eating consistently 2 meals of solids a day. It ranges from 6 to 12 teaspoonfuls of porridge. If she's sleepy or not in the mood, she'll eat maybe 4 teaspoons. So far I've made her carrots, broccoli, sweet potatoe, peas, fresh corn, cauliflower and spinach steamed, strained and frozen back into ice cube trays. Then 2 kinds of veges are popped into the daily porridge of either fish or pork at my mum in law's place. Recently, I've started adding wolfberries. If I don't go over to my mum's I'll feed her the veges straight.

I've decided to stop pumping out my milk cuz it just takes too much time at work. I plan to cut down the breastfeeding to once in the evening, at night before bed time and once more in the morning before work. However, I've also decided not to rush the weaning process. I think when Caitlin's developmentally ready, she'll wean herself. So far, we pretty much follow her needs. If she wants more, she'll ask for it. Sometimes, she's just breastfeeding for comfort and will "nibble" rather than really drink her fill. Honestly, I remember fighting so hard to breastfeed her in the beginning; hating it at first. And now, I almost don't want to give it up. I can't believe that I've spent almost 9 months doing it so far.

Work will be tough. Every morning I feel so guilty leaving her for the office. Then at work, there's just so much to be done if I want to do it right. Well, being a stay-at-home mom is not really an option right now so I'll just take it year by year.

Baby deposited

I've instructed Kelvin the deposit Caitlin at his mother's while I get some rest at home. Yesterday afternoon I had my wisdom tooth taken out because it was rotten. Luckily, it was only the enamel that was affected and not the deeper part of the tooth. Actually, I wanted to do it right after my maternity leave but decided that my students needed me more. Also, when the dentist told me he would give me 5 days of MC as it's a surgical procedure, I became really paranoid about the pain. Hence, the delay till now.

I'm happy to report that it all went really well. There was minimal bleeding and I held my mouth open with champion "ah-ness". The dentist was so pleased he said he would give me a discount. He injected the entire area with so much drugs that I really felt no pain at all. I was feeling all gung-ho and even contemplated going back to work the next day. That is, until the drugs wore off and the pain started setting in. I couldn't sleep the entire night because of the pain. Kelvin's snoring and Caitlin's restlessness didn't help. I maybe got snatches of half-hour slots 3 times last night. So to get some rest, I told Kelvin to send Caitlin over to Grandma's first and I'll make my way there later. What I won't do to continue breastfeeding. I think I'm going to be one of those mothers who feels sad when the time comes to stop.

Sigh. I have a hunch that she's going to ready for solids soon. Last night she started chewing on one of her toys with reckless abandonment. She even let out a whine when it was time for her bath and we had to take it away. She's also begun smacking her lips and sucking her fingers even after she's been breastfed.

On a more positive note, I continue to be amazed at how much attention she gets whenever we bring her out. Maybe it's just that she's at that age when babies are at their maximum cuteness. I don't know why total strangers are so attracted to her. I think it has to do with the fact that she stares at people and isn't afraid to meet their gaze. Then again, she just stares at everything when we bring her out. Sometimes, even when she's tired, she'd rather look at stuff around her than sleep. Is this normal? I remember being like that as a child as well. I'd look out the car window and continually ask "what's dat?" and "why like dat?".

A place of fullness

I learned on Oprah the other day that many women are digging an early grave for themselves simply by being a wife-mother-employee. They give to everyone and hardly leave any time for themselves to do the things that make themselves happy. The message was: take care of your own happiness first. It's like when you're on an airplane the the stewardess tells you that in case of an emergency, you're to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you tend to your child. Well, it makes sense. Who's going to look after the child if you don't survive. How will you be able to be calm and strong in an environment of chaos if you're not centered yourself?

So now that I'm a mother, I have a choice. Obviously, I can't be everything for everyone. So...I have to learn to let go and allow others to watch my child if I need some alone time.

I think this is also a good time to re-organize my life and take a good look at re-ordering priorities. Obviously for most women, it's the dilemma between work and family. I would like to be the best mother and wife that I know how to be; spending most of my time with Caitlin and Kelvin. Then again, I would also like to be fulfilled at work that I enjoy and still make a meaningful contribution to society. Not to mention the fact that working means being financially independent and still being able to afford a couple of luxuries here and there. Understandably, I've been doing a lot of thinking (and praying) about what I want for the next five years. 

Should I find another place to work in? A change of environment would be mentally stimulating. Something that will probably be lacking if I continue where I am now. However, a new place of work would be unpredictable in the sense that I might not be able to say no to a fuller teaching load. No, I think the priority should be opening up space and time for a more relaxed self so that I can spend time at home in a non-lethargic state. I could just hang in there until I get my connect plan in 2010 and then do a masters. Maybe do the masters online from home and cut back on work so that I don't tax myself too much. The old me would have just steam-rolled ahead and done several projects all at once. Last year I did a course at NAFA 3 twice a week and guess what? I almost died because it wasn't just the time spent driving to town and attending the classes. It was also the fact that I had to think, do assignments and generally lose a lot of sleep because my brain would still be active till 2am sometimes then I'd have to get up at 6am the next day for work. 

So...how do I find a happy balance. I don't think it will be easy. I'm a greedy person. I always tend to want to much and can never really focus 100% on the things that I have on my plate. It's a dynamic way of living but not a very internally harmonious one. As with everything else in life, we'll just have to see.

So cute at Thomson Plaza

So something major happened this week. I brought the baby out to a public place for the first time! I finally thought: okay how difficult could it be to bring a little baby out? Other people do it. I've seen little babies out and about. So I packed the diapers, a bottle of ready made formula and all 3 of us (incl. the maid) took a cab to Thomson Plaza. This was major because up till this week, we were dropping the baby and the maid off at Kelvin's mother's place if we needed to go out. While we were there, a bunch of aunties came up behind me and started cooing over Caitlin, "so cute!"

When I told Kelvin about my brave little trip, he raised an eyebrow. However, I think it gave him confidence as well. Today he suggested bringing the baby out shopping.

Actually, crowded spaces have a very calming effect on the baby. She seems to be lulled by the buzz of the outside world. Plus, she's comfortable in air-con spaces. All we have to do is make sure we bring her out right after one feed and bring her back before the next feed after her bottle. That gives us at least 4 hours.

The other major thing that happened was that I went to the dentist for the first time in almost a decade. I know, I know...how negligent of me. Seriously though, I've been using an electric toothbrush all this while and I THOUGHT my teeth were clean. It turns out that the teeth were clean but there are spaces that even an electric cannot reach and the gums are vunerable. I finally went to see the dentist because my gums were inflamed and the dentist told me that my gum had receded due the the build up of plaque pushing down between the gums and the teeth. Sigh. I also have to remove a wisdom tooth which is rotten. Honestly, this has taught me a lesson to take better care of my teeth. I told Kelvin that all this just makes me feel old like parts of me are breaking down due to wear and tear. Thankfully, I no longer have to nag Kelvin to go see a dentist. After what happened to me, he's realized that he'd better visit the dentist too.

Updates on Caitlin:
She's definitely communicating. Last night Kelvin and I left the baby at Mum's and we went on the first of our fortnightly date nights. Poor Caitlin, when we got back at around 10pm, she'd been fussing because she's not used to Grandma's house at night and she couldn't fall asleep. When I finally held her in my arms, she stopped fussing and looked at me. Then as I told her that she had to get used to Grandma's and that she shouldn't be so upset, she coo-ed back in answer after every sentence then she grinned. I think Mum was both concerned and amused at the same time. She immediately told Dad what had happened. When Kelvin held her as well, he held her really tightly as if he didn't want to let go. It's tough because Kelvin and I want to stay committed to building our relationship as a couple but at the same time, leaving the baby for more than a couple of hours makes me feel guilty.

I think I'm going to feel so guilty when I go back to work. The plan now is to spend more time at Mum's place so that Caitlin can ease into spending more time there. I think I have to learn to let go. Caitlin's not going to evaporate if I leave her alone for a couple of hours. Plus, thinking back on my own childhood, I became fiercely independent precisely because my parents left me alone for the most part. I spent the first 2 years of my life with my Po Po on weekdays and only spent the weekends at home. So as long as Catilin has loving adults around her (ie Kelvin's parents and the maids) she should be fine.

Okay, some new photos:

Caitlin's such a tiny thing. Here she is on our king size bed.

Up on Daddy's shoulder

Daddy's bright hairstyling idea.

My breakdown over scrambled eggs and toast

I don't know how it happened but I became really miserable over my birthday. I was in a pathetic state. It had been a particularly difficult night with Caitlin being fussy and super hungry the entire night. Being a light sleeper compared to Kelvin, I'd been getting up most the night every night to feed her or comfort her whenever she woke up. Hence, I was sleep deprived. It didn't help that I was still getting frustrated with the maid as she kept doing things which I didn't ask or doing the opposite of what I asked.
I felt isloated, trapped and like I had nobody to help me. It felt like I would never get any rest and that every night would be the same upsetting baby crying with tension filled wakeful sleep.

In the morning, the maid conveniently forgot to fix my breakfast so Kelvin ended up making me scrambled eggs. When I saw the plate and took a bite of the toast, I burst into tears. After a month of horrible burnt garlicy eggs and soggy toast, it was SO good to have properly cooked toast. The birthday message was quite touching too.
That afternoon, we parked the baby with my mother-in-law and went out for high tea. Just the two of us on a date. It was a good time to bring up some issues about how we were going to raise Caitlin and what role the new maid needed to play so that I could have some balance. I'm happy to say that since my birthday, things have gotten better. After sharing my feelings, Kelvin found ways to play a more active role so that I could go out and have some time off to myself. In fact, he does quite a good job of caring for the baby and is beginning to enjoy it. All I really needed was someone to watch her a couple of hours during the day so that I can either go shop for groceries, do my hair or just zone out on my own.

Part of what was stressing me out was the fact that I still felt really clueless as to what I was doing. Reading all the baby books made me realize that there was a lot to think about when it comes to caring for an infant. There were a lot of decisions to be made with regards to just sleeping and eating alone. I lamented to my father over the phone and he suggested Dr. Spock. No, not the alien from Star Trek but an institution; no bible of baby care since the 1940s. My parents used it and I was so near hyper-ventilating when I found it at Times bookstore. When my mother came over, she told me that I had been raised on this book as well. It's not bad. Pretty comprehensive. Thanks, Pa.

Caitlin's Man Yue and the aftermath

23rd May, also Kelvin's brithday. We put Caitlin in a pink dress to mark the special occasion. She really looked so cute in the dress although it didn't really keep her very warm. Grandma Dolly arrived to give Caitlin her first ever haircut. Traditionally you're supposed to put the cut hair in a book to signify that she'll grow up to be scholarly. I put the hair in an 'ang bao' and tucked it away in my bible. I hope she'll grow to know God's word later on.

As usual, no one planned to take pictures so I had to do double duty as photographer. Luckily, I remembered my tripod this time so that I could include myself in the photograph.

It was a big party. Over 50 people turned up and very graciously showered us with gifts. We were so blessed. Grandpa Albert generously sponsored the dinner and Grandma Dolly played hostess. There was a huge buffet table with lots of yummy peranakan food that I could not eat (because I was still under 'confinement') but everyone said the food was good. It was special because I got to connect with people again after being couped up for so long.

Caitlin slept through the whole thing while being carried by Aunty Irene, the confinement lady. Plus it was amazing to see my family gather to celebrate the birth of the fourth generation. Everyone wanted to carry her. Dai Gu-jie who was the first to arrive took one look at Caitlin and said, 'Eh. Hen main sou' (looks familiar). San Gu-jie was equally proud to carry Caitlin and seemed to not want to put her down. They marvelled over the fact that she had the Lai family look. Sei Gu-jie said she couldn't believe that she was now a grandaunt and said that it was all my fault for making her feel old. Then she quickily recovered by saying that she was still the youngest in the third generation so it was okay.

Grandpa Albert said although Caitlin might look like me but she'll definitely be tall like her father. Hee Hee.
I almost cried when Ma Ma held Caitlin in her arms. I've always felt that it was important for her to witness the fourth generation in her lifetime. The years that I spent not wanting children were guilty years for me. Ma Ma was the one who constantly (albeit gently) nagged me to start a family. She was the one who dragged Kelvin and I to see a fertility specialist at the Chinese free clinic. Thank God I came around in the end.
Kelvin's parents too were really proud to have another grandchild. Grandpa Albert, after shadowing the confinement lady for one or two hours finally asked to carry Caitlin. It was the first time he had carried a baby this small and Mum was so impressed. She kept saying to Caitlin that she was very lucky.

Here he is all smiles. Even Kelvin said there aren't alot of pictures of his father where he's smiling. What can I say, I take good photographs.

By the time we got home, it was close to midnight. The next day, Aunty Irene would go home and I'd have to take care of Caitlin all by myself. I was already starting to panic and was regretting the fact that I'd neglected to read the parts about infant care in all my baby books. Furthermore, it was not convenient to do any reading because I was so busy feeding Caitlin all day.

The same day that Aunty Irene went home, Caitlin had a growth spurt which was accompanied by lots of fussing and crying. No rest at all for me. Kelvin also relied on me for direction like I knew what I was doing!? I almost had another breakdown. I kept saying that I was suffering from Confinement lady withdrawal. I tried to be brave but deep down I was really afraid that I would somehow screw up and my child would be scarred for life. Eventually, I calmed down enough to get through the growth spurt. Reading up on the internet helped. I also realised that I was breaking down mentally because I was not taking care of myself. I had spent an entire 2 months at home and after playing the role of nappy-changing milk maid 24 hours day after day, it was starting to get to me. So I insisted on going out by myself to just do the things I used to do. At first Kelvin didn't understand why I felt like I needed to 'escape' the house. More on that in a later post. Two weeks on after the Man Yue, I'm feeling a little bit better. However, I'm a long way away from being stable enough to return to work. We'll just have to see.