Thank God for family

Kelvin's brother kindly agreed to lend us Ellie's crib while the baby can still fit into it. The understanding is that when they have their second child, we'll transport it back. Oh well, suits me just fine. It's a lovely crib and we didn't have to buy a new one which would have cost us $300 at least. We spent the whole morning there because they also passed us all their old baby supplies and breastfeeding equipment like the electrib pump and sterilizer. That would have cost another $500 to $600. Sigh...thank you lord.

Ellie was relatively well behaved. When we arrived she was colouring a template of a house. Later I found out that this house project was homework. Sigh. Totally pointless homework in my opinion. What's the learning objective? Learn to colour neatly? Anyway, she started getting really nostalgic over all the stuff that was being brought out and kept going "That's mine!"

Kelvin took out his new iTouch (a Chirstmas and Valentine's Day present from me) and showed Ellie the photos I took of her when she was born. We were trying to tell her that she no longer needed all the stuff because she wasn't a baby anymore but a big girl. She'll be 3 in May. I think she was still a little upset but soon cheered up when I told her that she had better get ready to go out so that they could all go and buy Disney On Ice tickets.

Over breakfast Kelvin and I talked about the likelihood that our daughter would turn out to be just like Ellie. It's just that he met a colleague's daughter over the weekend while he had NCC camp duty. She was so much more girl-like compared to our little niece. For me it's not so much that Ellie's tom-boyish. It's more that she can be a handful sometimes because she's so spirited. It's good for her because I'm sure she'll grow up to be very confident and out-going. Not so good for the parents though because at the centre of it all, you still have to teach things like manners and respect.

Kelvin's convinced that our daughter will have a quieter temperment because he was a quiet child. I was both adventurous and contemplative. Well, we'll see.

My hands are starting to feel numb which, might explain why I keep dropping stuff. Woke up yesterday and realized that it's difficult to bend my fingers. Water-retention I suppose. Also, gravity is starting to take it's toll. Starting to feel like it's harder to balance and all of a sudden gravity seems have increased by 20%.

"She's so close"

That's what Kelvin said to me last night after he felt her moving inside my bump. What he meant was that the baby's getting so big that she's pushing up against the surface of my bump. The thing is I can actually see her pushing across my belly. If she kicks I can actually see my bump bounce up. It's like some scene from an alien movie where a parasite lodges itself inside you and it's squirming around trying to break free. Except in this case, I got really excited and just kept staring at my bump hoping she'll keep doing her baby acrobatics. It's very reassuring to feel her move like that.

I've been playing a few key pieces of music that I like to the baby. What I do is plug some earphones into my ipod and walk around with the earphones wrapped around my bump. I did it today on our staff retreat and everyone was like, "wow so hi-tech." It was really strange because the men all felt that I shouldn't play rock music to the baby. When I told Kelvin about it, he just laughed because he's been trying to balance my 'boring tinky tinky music' with 'real' music.
I told everyone that I just play whatever I like. The baby will probably hear a range of stuff anyway because Kelvin plays so much guitar hero and I like folksy type songs with a strong melody and vocals.

I'm getting a bit tired of social situations with large groups of people because EVERYONE will ask "so when's the baby due?" or "is it a boy or a girl?" Argh! I should just put a sticker on my forehead: 28th April is the due date and it's about 99% confirmed it's a girl. The only good thing about staff retreats right now is that I can ask all the women who are mothers about their experiences. I won't go into details but I can say that the stories range from useful information on baby products to blood and gore horrors in the delivery ward.

Still waiting for my face to poof up along with my disappearing ankles. Thankfully it hasn't happened yet. However, you never know. Seriously, I've seen it happen to the slimmest of friends. I'm only about 5 feet tall so usually excess weight shows on my face very fast. I know, I'm vain. At work my kids are starting to realize that I'll be gone soon. Some of them are starting to panic and work hard. I can see that others are sorta giving up. Someone else will have to worry about them. It's cruel I know but I'm only one person and I can't be everything to everyone. This year, it's about bringing a new life forth. I want to enjoy this process. For all I know, I'll only get to do this once.

Oh, another random thought. On Wednesday we walked past a maid agency and since I'll have to get one soon I look out for them now. Well, there was this girl sitting out in front of the shop like some farm animal available for inspection. I felt really sad and wondered how long she had sat there the whole day (coz it was already dinner time) and how long she would have to sit there the next day. I mean why do agencies do that to these girls? Shouldn't the girls be gainfully occupied?

Serious conversation

In the papers one and a half weeks ago: "$64000 for Nursery School". $3200 a month is how much one couple was willing to pay to send their 2 children to one of the best schools in Singapore. This is craziness to me. However, a quick check with my sis-in-law told me that my niece's mid-range nursery fees were a little over $400 after the govt. subsidy for working mothers.

That weekend, Kelvin and I had the serious conversation. The one where I should possibly stop working or work part-time. The thing is, the best person to take care of a child is always the parent. However if I work, I'll have to compromise on time spent with my child. If I stay at home I'll have to figure out a way to make do with less money. Less money for us means less for the child as well. Sigh...what to do? We still haven't asked Kelvin's mom whether she'd be alright with taking care of the baby and the maid the whole week while we're at work. Of course, when the baby is older, she can go to playgroup for a few hours every day.

Had an episode just this week where I thought my degrees had increased. This made me really depressed. Coupled with the fact that my right eye just won't stop tearing. It got pretty bad because I was giddy and couldn't see well at all. Everything looked like I was looking through some sort of haze. It didn't help that Kelvin had to leave me alone for two days to attend his grandmother's funeral in Ipoh. I wanted to be with him but it's considered taboo for pregnant women to attend funerals. So there I was, having dinner at Thomson Plaza all by myself and having to squint to see the menu at Hanz. Finally went to see my eye doctor when Kelvin came back. I took a day off because I just felt so handicapped not being able to see. The doctor told me that my degrees had actually decreased due to the pregnancy hormones. How that happens I don't know. However, it's temporary. Unfortunately, I still have to spend money on a new pair of glasses. Don't know if things will go back to normal but we'll see.

The Voice of Truth and Reason

What started out as an attempt to look after myself almost turned into a nightmare. Today, I went swimming with my sister. Everyone, even the pregnancy books said that swimming would be safe. I rationalized that there wouldn't be any extreme pressure, impact or strain since I was going to be supported by water. I figured that I would just paddle around and walk in the water. Which was what I did. I also lay on my back and just kicked myself from one side of the pool to the other. In my teens, I had been pretty good. I trained 3 times a week under a coach and even considered going competitive at one point.

Perhaps in was the fact that I hadn't swam in years. When I got out of the water, I noticed a slight cramping sensation in my groin, somewhere on the right side. Being totally paranoid, I kinda freaked out and insisted that we should call the doctor.

Kelvin was as white as a sheet. He had told me that I shouldn't go swimming. However, his reason was more to do with chlorine water getting inside me so I had reassured him that under no circumstance would our baby be choked by chlorine water and that swimming was the safest exercise next to walking.

After calling the emergency number my gynae had given me, I lay down in bed. I suppose when you're paranoid and pregnant, you really imagine the worst. My gynae finally called me back and I don't remember what I said, I suppose I was rambling. He told me to take some of my hormone pills and call him in two hours. I couldn't wait so long so an hour later, I called him up and agreed to meet him at the hospital. All I wanted at that point was an ultrasound just to make sure the baby was okay.

In the end, the baby was fine. However, I had strained a muscle in my uterus and was experiencing a mild contraction. My gynae looked at me yet again as if I was the most ridiculous pregnant woman he had ever met and commented, "That must have been some swim!"

"Heah-hee," I protested. "All I did was wade around and do some kicking in the water."

The doctor told me to take it really easy. He gave me a week of MC and instructed me not to do housework even.

When we got home, Kelvin patted my head that said, "What have we learned today? If anything, it's to always listen to the voice of truth and reason--ie, me. No more swimming for you."

"Yes dear," I sighed.

Pampering 101

I've been having this overwhelming urge to have fresh flowers in the house. If there was ever a craving for me, this is it. No foodie-type cravings yet but I want flowers. So, after the gynae's visit, while I was distracted at the Clairins booth, Kelvin sneaked off to buy me a tiny bouquet from Seven-Eleven. He didn't have to and usually, he can't be bothered with anything green that grows (unless it's for eating). Anyway, I hung on to the flowers all the way home and didn't even unwrap them, just found a vase and stuck them in. I was still so excitied over the baby I forgot to take a picture until last night.

Another thing I bought once I knew was this:

Ever since my 30th birthday, I've become anal over skincare for some strange reason. As a child, I used to look at all the potions and lotions my mother had on her dresser table. Of course, I think I've been a little too extravegant but I rationalize that I'm not spending money on make up now that I wear my glasses all the time, I might as well re-direct my shopping urges.

Kelvin's been very sweet taking care of me, as all husbands should. However, I still feel a little guilty. I mean I'm not totally incapicitated but Kelvin insists on sending me to work even though it's just a 7 minute stroll away. He rushed home the other day to cook my lunch. I already feel like such a slob. All I do is eat and sleep on the weekends.

Serene commented that since I found out 3 months into the pregnancy, I've lost out on 3 months of rightful pampering. Ha Ha.

Genesis

Teacher's Day, 1st sept

For me, it all began here. I felt bloated and queasy. Shortly after, my chest started to hurt. It was lumpy and swollen all the time. Since I was busy and stressed at work, I thought that the tiredness I was feeling was related to work. When I started losing my appetite, I thought it was due to the fact that I had cut my carbs and lowered my sugar intake so my blood sugar was more stable. It wasn't until the lumpiness and tenderness intensified, I started falling asleep at the drop of a hat and bloating/flatulence got even worse did I consider something was wrong. Even then, I thought I had breast cancer or a severe stomach ulcer, or both! I considered going in to the gynae for a checkup but work prevented me from making the appointment.


Late September

I had been suffering for 3 weeks. In that time, I almost got my period but I wasn't really eating properly. So when my period just didn't come, I thought it was because of stress and poor nutrition. Which was nothing new. Sigh. In the one and a half years since my eye operation, my period had come but once. So I wasn't too worried. However, my chest was becoming increasingly sensitive and sore. I lay awake at night pondering and feeling for lumps. I decided that I had to take the hormone pills the previous doctor had prescribed when I went in for a fertility screening. Fearing that I would have difficulty having kids because of my irregular period, I had gone in to KK hospital expecting the worst. My fears were confirmed when the doctor told me that I had poly-cystic ovarian condition. It meant that I was prone to weight gain and would have difficulty conceiving because I would not ovulate regularly. It wasn't impossible, just difficult.

Kelvin and I resigned ourselves to the fact that we might never have kids. I didn't want to build up my hopes in case it never happened. Of course, there was fertility treatment but I told myself that it was unlikely that I would go to the extent of having IVF or some other expensive and invasive treatment. It just wasn't worth the emotional roller-coaster.

Meanwhile, I had pressure from my grandmother who even brought me to a chinese fertility clinic and my mother who brought this pastor to pray for me. Feeling a deepening sense of inadequacy, I started avoiding people who had kids and were very involved with their babies. Because, all they talked about was their babies. Instead, I started considering things like whether I should do a masters and which high end digital toy I should buy next. I got busy with re-organising the house and building additional cupboards. I took a six-month painting course that almost killed me because, I was going twice a week at night till 10pm, not sleeping till 2am and getting up again at 6am for work. I suppose my health really suffered because I wasn't exercising and I was tired all the time. My clothes started getting really snug.

When the painting class was over, I decided to just lose the weight I had gained. I started exercising 3, 4 times a week, eating more vegetables and fruits and I cut down on my refined carbohydrates. I dropped the weight in 8 weeks.

Maybe it was during this period of time that my body said "well, it's now or never. We'd better ovulate now while she's not cramming up her schedule. I think it was God's will. Two years ago, Kelvin and I would still have been cynical and hard-hearted. Evil kids at work had made us lose faith in parenthood. I think it was the birth of our niece that slowly melted our hearts. My eye operation was a wake up call. For me, if anything had happened to me in that operating room, there would be nothing left of me linked to Kelvin in this world. He would really be all alone or have to start over. I didn't want that. The need to be connected to him somehow overrode the fear I had. That's when I made the monumental decision to stop the contraceptives and try for a child. That's why I went for the fertility tests in the first place.


2nd October

After taking the hormone pills, my period still did not come. Not only that, now I could hardly eat. I was constipated and the only thing I could stomach was porridge and fruits. Even a little bit of food made me bloated and had me burping an entire afternoon. I even bought prunes to cure the constipation. I was emotional, I felt depressed. I wanted to leave work because I thought that I had finally taken in my limit and that work was pushing me over to insanity. I was even grouchy and hating myself for being so mean.


15th October

Hari Raya break. I finally had time to go see Doctor Tan. I was expecting some digestive aids or some charcoal pills. So when he told me to take a pregnancy test, I thought he was out of his mind. To humour him, I dutifully took the little plastic cup to the toilet and did my thing. Washed my hands twice and waited outside with all the other miserable looking people with Monday blues. When Doctor Tan finally called me in, I was contemplating what to buy Kelvin for lunch. Kelvin wasn't free to come with me coz he had marking to do at home.

"There, I told you, you're pregnant", Doctor Tan pointed to the little red 'positive' on the plastic cube. I started at him in disbelief and repeated over and over if he was sure I didn't have a stomach ulcer instead.

When I left the clinic, I burst into tears. I was a mixture of relief (that I wasn't dying of a stomach ulcer), disappointment (that my life, as I knew it then, was over) and joy (that our prayers were finally answered). Geez, God really has a sense of humour.

On the way home in the car, every time I stopped at a traffic light, I would burst into tears. When I walked through the front door, Kelvin was waiting for me to pass him his lunch. "I'm pregnant!" I exploded. For a moment he stopped dead in his tracks as he thought I was joking. When I started to cry (again), we hugged each other and jumped up and down.


16th October

I finally made the appointment at the gynae. When the gynae did the ultrasound, at first I couldn't look. I was nervous I guess. Perhaps it was deformed because I hadn't been eating properly. Maybe it was still really small and looked like a pea-sized alien. Maybe, the whole thing up to that point was a dream and I really wasn't pregnant after all.

"Are you sure you didn't know you were pregnant?", Dr. Fong asked. "It's so big already". That's when I snapped my head around. There the baby was, all ten fingers and toes, a well formed head and a beating heart. Time stood still. All Kelvin could do was stare with his mouth open. I couldn't believe it. The baby was kicking and squirming so much that Dr. Fong couldn't get a proper look at it to check for deformities. I didn't mind. It looked perfect to me.

Our first ultrasound from the front of my tummy.

Since we had no idea when we conceived, Dr. Fong had to work backwards. "Let's see, based on the size...6.5cm...it should be about 3 months old." 3 months! That's around the time Serene and Mike left for the States, when Gary had his wedding. I still remember sitting on Gary's sofa and lementing the fact that I might never be a mother. When Djin said the next time she saw me, I would be pregnant. I thought, "yeah right." I was bummed that some very important people in my life were leaving. After all, Rene and I have been friends since primary 6.

Serene and I the night before she left for the States

Later, Kelvin said that the baby looked so well formed that he thought it was ready to be born right there and then. So cute :)

Present Day

I'm still in shock. You see, to me, this baby almost never happened. I told Kelvin that the conception was basically a one-shot deal. If it didn't happen, it probably would never happen. Consequently, I've decided not to take chances, pray every day and really take things easy.

Mostly, Kelvin says he jumping up and down inside but he's holding it in. He's worried I will be tired out in Japan. Dr. Fong says it's okay to travel. I'm fascinated by the biological changes that are taking place inside my body like how the baby doubles in size every week. For the most part, the worst of the morning sickness is over and I'm enjoying being pampered. Starting to slow down even though I don't really have a large bump yet. I still just look like my mid-section is just flabby.

This whole thing is a great excuse to start shopping for clothes again. However, some maternity clothes are freakingly expensive. I have to find some cheaper alternatives.

I've also been told some pretty interesting old-wives tales (refer to links).

Mostly, I just wondering what else is in store. I don't want to be one of those mothers who eventually only reduce themselves to baby talk and exist, as if only to serve the needs of the child. At the same time, I want to be a present parent. Not one of those leave-it-to-the-maid-and-grandparents type of mothers. We'll just have to see how it all pans out.