My breakdown over scrambled eggs and toast

I don't know how it happened but I became really miserable over my birthday. I was in a pathetic state. It had been a particularly difficult night with Caitlin being fussy and super hungry the entire night. Being a light sleeper compared to Kelvin, I'd been getting up most the night every night to feed her or comfort her whenever she woke up. Hence, I was sleep deprived. It didn't help that I was still getting frustrated with the maid as she kept doing things which I didn't ask or doing the opposite of what I asked.
I felt isloated, trapped and like I had nobody to help me. It felt like I would never get any rest and that every night would be the same upsetting baby crying with tension filled wakeful sleep.

In the morning, the maid conveniently forgot to fix my breakfast so Kelvin ended up making me scrambled eggs. When I saw the plate and took a bite of the toast, I burst into tears. After a month of horrible burnt garlicy eggs and soggy toast, it was SO good to have properly cooked toast. The birthday message was quite touching too.
That afternoon, we parked the baby with my mother-in-law and went out for high tea. Just the two of us on a date. It was a good time to bring up some issues about how we were going to raise Caitlin and what role the new maid needed to play so that I could have some balance. I'm happy to say that since my birthday, things have gotten better. After sharing my feelings, Kelvin found ways to play a more active role so that I could go out and have some time off to myself. In fact, he does quite a good job of caring for the baby and is beginning to enjoy it. All I really needed was someone to watch her a couple of hours during the day so that I can either go shop for groceries, do my hair or just zone out on my own.

Part of what was stressing me out was the fact that I still felt really clueless as to what I was doing. Reading all the baby books made me realize that there was a lot to think about when it comes to caring for an infant. There were a lot of decisions to be made with regards to just sleeping and eating alone. I lamented to my father over the phone and he suggested Dr. Spock. No, not the alien from Star Trek but an institution; no bible of baby care since the 1940s. My parents used it and I was so near hyper-ventilating when I found it at Times bookstore. When my mother came over, she told me that I had been raised on this book as well. It's not bad. Pretty comprehensive. Thanks, Pa.

6 weeks old settling in

We now change Caitlin on the dinning room table because the changing table that we got from Ikea is getting a bit too small. This morning, Kelvin gave her her bath so that I could pump milk and go out to buy lunch.

I propped Caitlin up so that she could have look at things sitting up. Kelvin's wearing a mask because he has a cold.

She's fascinated with the circle pattern and the light that comes through the curtains. Somehow circles make her excited.

Kelvin says these are the most hideous pajamas ever. I agree. Unfortunately, everyone over the age of 40 thinks they're really sweet looking.

The early hours of the morning are when she's in her deepest sleep. She sometimes sleeps for 3 or 4 hours. At the moment, she's still feeding every 2 to 3 hours. On average, every 2 1/2. Much better than hourly feeding. At least I can get some sleep in between.

Caitlin's Man Yue and the aftermath

23rd May, also Kelvin's brithday. We put Caitlin in a pink dress to mark the special occasion. She really looked so cute in the dress although it didn't really keep her very warm. Grandma Dolly arrived to give Caitlin her first ever haircut. Traditionally you're supposed to put the cut hair in a book to signify that she'll grow up to be scholarly. I put the hair in an 'ang bao' and tucked it away in my bible. I hope she'll grow to know God's word later on.

As usual, no one planned to take pictures so I had to do double duty as photographer. Luckily, I remembered my tripod this time so that I could include myself in the photograph.

It was a big party. Over 50 people turned up and very graciously showered us with gifts. We were so blessed. Grandpa Albert generously sponsored the dinner and Grandma Dolly played hostess. There was a huge buffet table with lots of yummy peranakan food that I could not eat (because I was still under 'confinement') but everyone said the food was good. It was special because I got to connect with people again after being couped up for so long.

Caitlin slept through the whole thing while being carried by Aunty Irene, the confinement lady. Plus it was amazing to see my family gather to celebrate the birth of the fourth generation. Everyone wanted to carry her. Dai Gu-jie who was the first to arrive took one look at Caitlin and said, 'Eh. Hen main sou' (looks familiar). San Gu-jie was equally proud to carry Caitlin and seemed to not want to put her down. They marvelled over the fact that she had the Lai family look. Sei Gu-jie said she couldn't believe that she was now a grandaunt and said that it was all my fault for making her feel old. Then she quickily recovered by saying that she was still the youngest in the third generation so it was okay.

Grandpa Albert said although Caitlin might look like me but she'll definitely be tall like her father. Hee Hee.
I almost cried when Ma Ma held Caitlin in her arms. I've always felt that it was important for her to witness the fourth generation in her lifetime. The years that I spent not wanting children were guilty years for me. Ma Ma was the one who constantly (albeit gently) nagged me to start a family. She was the one who dragged Kelvin and I to see a fertility specialist at the Chinese free clinic. Thank God I came around in the end.
Kelvin's parents too were really proud to have another grandchild. Grandpa Albert, after shadowing the confinement lady for one or two hours finally asked to carry Caitlin. It was the first time he had carried a baby this small and Mum was so impressed. She kept saying to Caitlin that she was very lucky.

Here he is all smiles. Even Kelvin said there aren't alot of pictures of his father where he's smiling. What can I say, I take good photographs.

By the time we got home, it was close to midnight. The next day, Aunty Irene would go home and I'd have to take care of Caitlin all by myself. I was already starting to panic and was regretting the fact that I'd neglected to read the parts about infant care in all my baby books. Furthermore, it was not convenient to do any reading because I was so busy feeding Caitlin all day.

The same day that Aunty Irene went home, Caitlin had a growth spurt which was accompanied by lots of fussing and crying. No rest at all for me. Kelvin also relied on me for direction like I knew what I was doing!? I almost had another breakdown. I kept saying that I was suffering from Confinement lady withdrawal. I tried to be brave but deep down I was really afraid that I would somehow screw up and my child would be scarred for life. Eventually, I calmed down enough to get through the growth spurt. Reading up on the internet helped. I also realised that I was breaking down mentally because I was not taking care of myself. I had spent an entire 2 months at home and after playing the role of nappy-changing milk maid 24 hours day after day, it was starting to get to me. So I insisted on going out by myself to just do the things I used to do. At first Kelvin didn't understand why I felt like I needed to 'escape' the house. More on that in a later post. Two weeks on after the Man Yue, I'm feeling a little bit better. However, I'm a long way away from being stable enough to return to work. We'll just have to see.

Growth Spurt?!!

A growth spurt is where the baby feeds very often to get extra milk sometimes hourly. She's also had extra output. We changed her nappy 4 times within 7 hours.

Today, I've been feeding Caitlin hourly since 7am. She's only quiet now because Kelvin has her sleeping on his tummy. Oh, I spoke too soon. Back to work. Moo.

Bath Time

I thought bathing an infant would be easy. Turns out it is. It just takes practice and concentration. Poor Kelvin finds it really difficult because he's afraid he'll hurt the baby. I think we'd better practice together more because studies show that babies who have their fathers bond with them over bath time become more confident individuals. Besides, if I'm nursing the baby and have to do everything else, I won't have time to get clean myself.

Of all the people involved in bath time, Caitlin is the most familiar with how it should be done. She knows enough to stand and squat in the water, when it's okay to kick her legs and when to be still. The main thing is not to get water into her ears or her mouth and to make her feel safe and secure. It's amazing. If she feels like she's slipping or you're grabbing her too hard, she'll wiggle about and grimace.

The whole bath takes about 10 mins at the most but Caitlin really enjoys it. Her eyes open really wide and she'll look all around her and at you. When she gets a little bit older, I'll incorporate some toys for her to play with. I read somewhere that babys are fascinated with liquids. The words for liquids like "milk" and "juice" are amongst the first 10 words that they will learn.
Kelvin's legs are too long and it's hard for him to squat next to the bath tub. In the end I got a stool, turned it upside down and put the bath tub on the stool. The first time he bathed Caitlin, he grabbed her arm so tightly that it turned blue! I think he needs more practice later. In the meantime, I'll have to do all the baths till I'm really familiar with it then I can help him practice.

Here we are. Bath time's over and Caitlin's all clean. Success!