Baby deposited

I've instructed Kelvin the deposit Caitlin at his mother's while I get some rest at home. Yesterday afternoon I had my wisdom tooth taken out because it was rotten. Luckily, it was only the enamel that was affected and not the deeper part of the tooth. Actually, I wanted to do it right after my maternity leave but decided that my students needed me more. Also, when the dentist told me he would give me 5 days of MC as it's a surgical procedure, I became really paranoid about the pain. Hence, the delay till now.

I'm happy to report that it all went really well. There was minimal bleeding and I held my mouth open with champion "ah-ness". The dentist was so pleased he said he would give me a discount. He injected the entire area with so much drugs that I really felt no pain at all. I was feeling all gung-ho and even contemplated going back to work the next day. That is, until the drugs wore off and the pain started setting in. I couldn't sleep the entire night because of the pain. Kelvin's snoring and Caitlin's restlessness didn't help. I maybe got snatches of half-hour slots 3 times last night. So to get some rest, I told Kelvin to send Caitlin over to Grandma's first and I'll make my way there later. What I won't do to continue breastfeeding. I think I'm going to be one of those mothers who feels sad when the time comes to stop.

Sigh. I have a hunch that she's going to ready for solids soon. Last night she started chewing on one of her toys with reckless abandonment. She even let out a whine when it was time for her bath and we had to take it away. She's also begun smacking her lips and sucking her fingers even after she's been breastfed.

On a more positive note, I continue to be amazed at how much attention she gets whenever we bring her out. Maybe it's just that she's at that age when babies are at their maximum cuteness. I don't know why total strangers are so attracted to her. I think it has to do with the fact that she stares at people and isn't afraid to meet their gaze. Then again, she just stares at everything when we bring her out. Sometimes, even when she's tired, she'd rather look at stuff around her than sleep. Is this normal? I remember being like that as a child as well. I'd look out the car window and continually ask "what's dat?" and "why like dat?".

Noisy baby

It must be that she's exercising her lungs. Caitlin's becoming a lot more vocal. She'll squeal with delight when she's playing with us or she'll go "woo-woo-wooo" when she's complaining about not getting her milk.

She just crossed the four month mark. While they say breastmilk is perfectly sufficient for her till she's six months, it's almost time to introduce solids and I went out today and got a special feeding set with a tiny little spoon. The books say to feed her a FULL quarter of a teaspoon the first time we introduce solids. "Wah! So much?! Are you sure she can finish?" says Kelvin. Well, we're supposed to feed it to her scrap by scrap. In fact, the very first time we let her try solids we're supposed to smear some on the table or her hand in hope that she'll lick it off. Then, it won't be as "foreign" when we put it on a spoon. The books also recommend letting her eat without a shirt on. Er, does that mean the baby or the parent feeding the baby?

Oh well, wish me luck people.

Caitlin's almost 4 months old

I can't believe I've been dutifully feeding Caitlin for almost 120 days. At between 6 to 10 times daily, it's been 720 to 1200 feeds. These past two weeks I've had to cycle back and forth in the afternoons twice a week. Although I enjoy the physical exercise, cycling at mid-day is not the best for my skin. As you can see, she no longer has the chicken legs. In fact, even her feet are starting to look puffy. I've already bought a new pack of socks that's supposed to fit babies up to 9 months. We tried them on already and they're only a little loose.

I added a mobile above our dining table where we bathe her and she just loves looking at the moving shapes. She'll kick really excitedly every time we put her here. It's her favourite toy since she's not yet able to co-ordinate her hands with her eyes.

Physically, she's a lot more sturdy now. We can prop her up on her elbows and she gets better at lifting her neck every day. Kelvin's new game is to bounce her from surface to surface as if she's king kong. I worry that he'll get too enthusiastic and crush her ribs. So far though, she doesn't complain.

Here she is, my "little chinese baby" I call her. So darling because she hasn't yet learned to turn over on her own. So she stays where we put her. Not that we haven't been trying to teach her.

She gets really chatty in the early morning and evenings. She's so loud that we can hear her even if we're in another room. I've tried several times to capture her babble on camera but every time and turn it on, she stares transfixed and doesn't make a sound.

The work-wife-mother equation

This is definitely a fallacy. You cannot have everything at once. At the moment, I've been back at work for a week already. However, I must say that it is not easy leaving Caitlin every morning and even though I rush home the very minute that I can, it's hard to see my little baby's discomfort at having to adapt to me not being around. She seems fine but I know that she misses me. So when I get back, I spend most of my time with her. Unless she's asleep, I have no time for sleep or work. I do, however, manage to squeeze in a nap here and there while breastfeeding. I've learned to fall asleep very easily.

The past week, her eyes light up when she sees me or hears my voice. I usually take a bath before I will take over from the maid so I have to sneak into the house if she's awake. At first I made the mistake of greeting her first. She couldn't wait for me take my bath and started wimpering then wailing. Part of the problem is that she only takes the minimum from the bottle in order to keep herself from being hungry but she won't really fill up. She actually waiting for me to get home. Then, when she does catch sight of me, she suddenly realises that she's very actually very hungry. In the end, I throw away about half of the milk that I pump out. I bought new teats with bigger holes mid-week and it helped a little but when she knows that I'm available she won't take to the bottle. Like her father, when it comes to food, she only wants the best.

On Saturday in the morning, Caitlin was so happy that I was home in the morning, she kept staring at me with big adoring eyes. It was as if she couldn't believe I was home. She kept pulling off my nipple just so she could look at me. Sigh...

I suddenly realised that Caitlin's bigger now. Her pajamas are getting fitted. She's able to prop herself up on her elbows and lift her head for more than 5 seconds now. Yesterday, at 3 1/2 months, she managed to grip her toy and hold on for over a minute. Then after she let go, she stared at her hand as if she'd discovered a new friend. She's very sociable now and likes to make conversation not only with me but with anyone with whom she has eye contact.

I've been reading this wonderful book that Juraimy gave me on the science of parenting. It's based on how the brain and hormones are affected by the way that we parent. For example, leaving a baby to cry alone to toughen up can actually cause certain areas in the brain to die due to overwhelming stress hormones. Cortisol, one of the stress hormones can stay in the brain for hours, even days and cause permanent damage. The kind that can result in a diminished ability to process and recover from stress therefore resulting in everything from aggression to poor digestion to depression and hyper-sensitivity. Thinking back to that horrible first month, now I realise why the confinement lady could calm the baby more easily than I could. I was upset, even a depressed and I must have transferred a lot of anxiety to Caitlin. That is why when I picked her up, she would cry instead of calm down.

Now everything's as it should be. Caitlin needs me to feel good like I need her to help me offload my milk. Actually, when my breast is empty, I feel this sense of satisfaction. I've noticed that when she's with me, she gets comfortable enough to open her eyes and seek out interesting things around her.

Looking Cool

So that's what I've been told recently. That I look cool as a new mother. Actually, it's not so difficult because I have a maid. I can't imagine doing all this parenting stuff without a domestic helper and my mother in law. Read an article last weekend that many Singaporean parents don't do the child-minding directly but instead delegate to their domestic helpers. Interesting. I will say that it's an easy and convenient solution if you what to 1) maintain your sanity and 2) retain some semblance of your old lifestyle pre-baby. I will admit that I do pass the baby off to the maid quite a bit. This week especially because I want to test whether Mary Jane can handle the baby without my constant supervision. Just as well, I'm going back to work next week. So far the hard part is actually letting go and learning to relax. I will miss all the hours I spend bathing and feeding her in the day time.

Mentally I am prepared to go back to work. Emotionally, my heart is still with the baby. I hope I don't become too guilty. Interestingly enough, Caitlin senses when I'm not around and actually drinks less milk during the day reserving her consumption for the night time feeding. She'd rather drink directly from the breast because it's the right temperature, it's fresh and not to mention, because it's comforting.

Breast-feeding is easier now that I've found a comfortable way to do it while lying down. Unfortunately, that means that I probably won't breastfeed when I'm out and about. I always feel as if the baby hasn't had enough then again, she's gaining weight. Her face looks a lot rounder now. Even the maid says that Caitlin seems heavier.

So I don't know about looking cool, although I'm sorta getting the hang of taking care of the baby. However, we'll see when I return to work.