The work-wife-mother equation

This is definitely a fallacy. You cannot have everything at once. At the moment, I've been back at work for a week already. However, I must say that it is not easy leaving Caitlin every morning and even though I rush home the very minute that I can, it's hard to see my little baby's discomfort at having to adapt to me not being around. She seems fine but I know that she misses me. So when I get back, I spend most of my time with her. Unless she's asleep, I have no time for sleep or work. I do, however, manage to squeeze in a nap here and there while breastfeeding. I've learned to fall asleep very easily.

The past week, her eyes light up when she sees me or hears my voice. I usually take a bath before I will take over from the maid so I have to sneak into the house if she's awake. At first I made the mistake of greeting her first. She couldn't wait for me take my bath and started wimpering then wailing. Part of the problem is that she only takes the minimum from the bottle in order to keep herself from being hungry but she won't really fill up. She actually waiting for me to get home. Then, when she does catch sight of me, she suddenly realises that she's very actually very hungry. In the end, I throw away about half of the milk that I pump out. I bought new teats with bigger holes mid-week and it helped a little but when she knows that I'm available she won't take to the bottle. Like her father, when it comes to food, she only wants the best.

On Saturday in the morning, Caitlin was so happy that I was home in the morning, she kept staring at me with big adoring eyes. It was as if she couldn't believe I was home. She kept pulling off my nipple just so she could look at me. Sigh...

I suddenly realised that Caitlin's bigger now. Her pajamas are getting fitted. She's able to prop herself up on her elbows and lift her head for more than 5 seconds now. Yesterday, at 3 1/2 months, she managed to grip her toy and hold on for over a minute. Then after she let go, she stared at her hand as if she'd discovered a new friend. She's very sociable now and likes to make conversation not only with me but with anyone with whom she has eye contact.

I've been reading this wonderful book that Juraimy gave me on the science of parenting. It's based on how the brain and hormones are affected by the way that we parent. For example, leaving a baby to cry alone to toughen up can actually cause certain areas in the brain to die due to overwhelming stress hormones. Cortisol, one of the stress hormones can stay in the brain for hours, even days and cause permanent damage. The kind that can result in a diminished ability to process and recover from stress therefore resulting in everything from aggression to poor digestion to depression and hyper-sensitivity. Thinking back to that horrible first month, now I realise why the confinement lady could calm the baby more easily than I could. I was upset, even a depressed and I must have transferred a lot of anxiety to Caitlin. That is why when I picked her up, she would cry instead of calm down.

Now everything's as it should be. Caitlin needs me to feel good like I need her to help me offload my milk. Actually, when my breast is empty, I feel this sense of satisfaction. I've noticed that when she's with me, she gets comfortable enough to open her eyes and seek out interesting things around her.

Looking Cool

So that's what I've been told recently. That I look cool as a new mother. Actually, it's not so difficult because I have a maid. I can't imagine doing all this parenting stuff without a domestic helper and my mother in law. Read an article last weekend that many Singaporean parents don't do the child-minding directly but instead delegate to their domestic helpers. Interesting. I will say that it's an easy and convenient solution if you what to 1) maintain your sanity and 2) retain some semblance of your old lifestyle pre-baby. I will admit that I do pass the baby off to the maid quite a bit. This week especially because I want to test whether Mary Jane can handle the baby without my constant supervision. Just as well, I'm going back to work next week. So far the hard part is actually letting go and learning to relax. I will miss all the hours I spend bathing and feeding her in the day time.

Mentally I am prepared to go back to work. Emotionally, my heart is still with the baby. I hope I don't become too guilty. Interestingly enough, Caitlin senses when I'm not around and actually drinks less milk during the day reserving her consumption for the night time feeding. She'd rather drink directly from the breast because it's the right temperature, it's fresh and not to mention, because it's comforting.

Breast-feeding is easier now that I've found a comfortable way to do it while lying down. Unfortunately, that means that I probably won't breastfeed when I'm out and about. I always feel as if the baby hasn't had enough then again, she's gaining weight. Her face looks a lot rounder now. Even the maid says that Caitlin seems heavier.

So I don't know about looking cool, although I'm sorta getting the hang of taking care of the baby. However, we'll see when I return to work.

A place of fullness

I learned on Oprah the other day that many women are digging an early grave for themselves simply by being a wife-mother-employee. They give to everyone and hardly leave any time for themselves to do the things that make themselves happy. The message was: take care of your own happiness first. It's like when you're on an airplane the the stewardess tells you that in case of an emergency, you're to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you tend to your child. Well, it makes sense. Who's going to look after the child if you don't survive. How will you be able to be calm and strong in an environment of chaos if you're not centered yourself?

So now that I'm a mother, I have a choice. Obviously, I can't be everything for everyone. So...I have to learn to let go and allow others to watch my child if I need some alone time.

I think this is also a good time to re-organize my life and take a good look at re-ordering priorities. Obviously for most women, it's the dilemma between work and family. I would like to be the best mother and wife that I know how to be; spending most of my time with Caitlin and Kelvin. Then again, I would also like to be fulfilled at work that I enjoy and still make a meaningful contribution to society. Not to mention the fact that working means being financially independent and still being able to afford a couple of luxuries here and there. Understandably, I've been doing a lot of thinking (and praying) about what I want for the next five years. 

Should I find another place to work in? A change of environment would be mentally stimulating. Something that will probably be lacking if I continue where I am now. However, a new place of work would be unpredictable in the sense that I might not be able to say no to a fuller teaching load. No, I think the priority should be opening up space and time for a more relaxed self so that I can spend time at home in a non-lethargic state. I could just hang in there until I get my connect plan in 2010 and then do a masters. Maybe do the masters online from home and cut back on work so that I don't tax myself too much. The old me would have just steam-rolled ahead and done several projects all at once. Last year I did a course at NAFA 3 twice a week and guess what? I almost died because it wasn't just the time spent driving to town and attending the classes. It was also the fact that I had to think, do assignments and generally lose a lot of sleep because my brain would still be active till 2am sometimes then I'd have to get up at 6am the next day for work. 

So...how do I find a happy balance. I don't think it will be easy. I'm a greedy person. I always tend to want to much and can never really focus 100% on the things that I have on my plate. It's a dynamic way of living but not a very internally harmonious one. As with everything else in life, we'll just have to see.

Body Issues

After going through pregnancy, labour and delivery of a baby, I have a new found respect for what my body can do. It's okay to have bumps, lumps and jiggly bits. What the heck, I've given birth! The doctor said it would take at least 3 to 6 months to the uterus to shrink back to it's original size. However, I don't think that's it. I think it was all the rich confinement food that I ate for a whole month. All that fatty fish, sugary longan tea and rich tonics were bound to catch up with me sooner or later. In fact, my face looks rounder than when I first delivered. At the moment, I'm back to the pre-pregnancy weight. The difference is that I've lost a lot of the muscle I once had and have a lot of extra padding instead. 

So, for all those people who out there who are going to get a confinement lady, better go easy on the sugary longan tea. No wonder my gums got inflamed and swollen

So cute at Thomson Plaza

So something major happened this week. I brought the baby out to a public place for the first time! I finally thought: okay how difficult could it be to bring a little baby out? Other people do it. I've seen little babies out and about. So I packed the diapers, a bottle of ready made formula and all 3 of us (incl. the maid) took a cab to Thomson Plaza. This was major because up till this week, we were dropping the baby and the maid off at Kelvin's mother's place if we needed to go out. While we were there, a bunch of aunties came up behind me and started cooing over Caitlin, "so cute!"

When I told Kelvin about my brave little trip, he raised an eyebrow. However, I think it gave him confidence as well. Today he suggested bringing the baby out shopping.

Actually, crowded spaces have a very calming effect on the baby. She seems to be lulled by the buzz of the outside world. Plus, she's comfortable in air-con spaces. All we have to do is make sure we bring her out right after one feed and bring her back before the next feed after her bottle. That gives us at least 4 hours.

The other major thing that happened was that I went to the dentist for the first time in almost a decade. I know, I know...how negligent of me. Seriously though, I've been using an electric toothbrush all this while and I THOUGHT my teeth were clean. It turns out that the teeth were clean but there are spaces that even an electric cannot reach and the gums are vunerable. I finally went to see the dentist because my gums were inflamed and the dentist told me that my gum had receded due the the build up of plaque pushing down between the gums and the teeth. Sigh. I also have to remove a wisdom tooth which is rotten. Honestly, this has taught me a lesson to take better care of my teeth. I told Kelvin that all this just makes me feel old like parts of me are breaking down due to wear and tear. Thankfully, I no longer have to nag Kelvin to go see a dentist. After what happened to me, he's realized that he'd better visit the dentist too.

Updates on Caitlin:
She's definitely communicating. Last night Kelvin and I left the baby at Mum's and we went on the first of our fortnightly date nights. Poor Caitlin, when we got back at around 10pm, she'd been fussing because she's not used to Grandma's house at night and she couldn't fall asleep. When I finally held her in my arms, she stopped fussing and looked at me. Then as I told her that she had to get used to Grandma's and that she shouldn't be so upset, she coo-ed back in answer after every sentence then she grinned. I think Mum was both concerned and amused at the same time. She immediately told Dad what had happened. When Kelvin held her as well, he held her really tightly as if he didn't want to let go. It's tough because Kelvin and I want to stay committed to building our relationship as a couple but at the same time, leaving the baby for more than a couple of hours makes me feel guilty.

I think I'm going to feel so guilty when I go back to work. The plan now is to spend more time at Mum's place so that Caitlin can ease into spending more time there. I think I have to learn to let go. Caitlin's not going to evaporate if I leave her alone for a couple of hours. Plus, thinking back on my own childhood, I became fiercely independent precisely because my parents left me alone for the most part. I spent the first 2 years of my life with my Po Po on weekdays and only spent the weekends at home. So as long as Catilin has loving adults around her (ie Kelvin's parents and the maids) she should be fine.

Okay, some new photos:

Caitlin's such a tiny thing. Here she is on our king size bed.

Up on Daddy's shoulder

Daddy's bright hairstyling idea.